Entries by Paul Dobek

To the Child in My Heart
C. Parrot

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family

We never had the chance to play
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle

I’ll always be your mother
He’ll always be your dad
You will always be our child
The child that we had

But now you’re gone…but yet you’re here
We sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There’s love in every tear

Just know our love goes deep and strong
We’ll forget you never
The child we had but never had
And yet will have forever.

Today we found out the great news that Lance & Ryan sent their parents another little miracle. Cole Johnson B. was born today! His parents, sister and angelic brother's have been blessed with his arrival. What a lucky boy to be born to wonderful people.

Wishing Cole a 100 years of health, happiness and love. Welcome to the world, little man.

Oliver and I returned from a lovely vacation in Croatia. My entire family finally got to meet our child and he was terrific!

During our holidays in Croatia, my mother wanted to bring Oliver to the church were she once brought me as a young child, The Church of Our Lady of Trsat.

My mother began by saying how special the church is (and it is…the history alone is enough to make it special) and when she brought me to Trsat for the first time – she had me blessed and she wants Oliver to be blessed too.

I never really concentrated on how blessed or not blessed I was throughout my life. Even when the most fabulous things happened to me…my first pregnancy, my first child…I don’t think god nor did being blessed entered my mind. I just thought – “boy, I must be really lucky”. And we were…even for a brief moment.

My entire life, I assumed if you were blessed it meant that your life was very fortunate. That you are healthy and only good things surrounded you at all times. By this definition – I’m not sure I am or not.

I have repeatedly blogged about how lucky we are having such great friends and family. And how extremely lucky we are to finally have birthed a healthy child who is pretty much perfect in every way. We never had to struggle financially and always had good food to eat. We are committed to this marriage and both share similar goals that preserve this little family of ours. Apart from having a dead child – I would say this could be considered blessed, no? But unfortunately the dead daughter part is so overwhelming that sometimes it’s a bit blurry to see all the good things in our lives. A lot of the time, I don’t feel so blessed. Sometimes I feel, if there is a god, maybe he just made a mistake the night Amelie died? Or maybe we just weren’t as blessed?

Blessed or not – I’ve learned that life takes no prisoners – we are all subject to good and bad things happening to us. Some people have lives that go smoother than others. And some people just aren’t as lucky. We are somewhere in between. Living a good life, raising a lovely son, healthy and for the most part happy and enriched with good friends and family - all without our daughter.

Today I’m reflecting on where I was last year on 7/23. I recall how quickly labor was for me – I thought then, you were eager to get out into the world. Your personality is a reflection of that determination, as you try to walk, talk, attempt daring stunts and seem unfazed with any obstacle.

Your birth brought joy back into our lives...we were able to embrace life again. Your existence fuels us with excitement and love. We love you! Today, we wish you a Happy 1st Birthday!

Love, Mama and Daddy.

We have waited a long time to get here – get to a place where we are happily celebrating our child’s first birthday. There are tons of emotions surrounding this glorious occasion. We are happy that Oliver made it to us. We have a perfect son to call our own and couldn’t be more delighted about the outcome of his being. But there are moments of sadness, as we know we’ll never get to do all this for Amelie.

As I looked at Oliver with our friends and family at our BBQ this weekend, it was so apparent that there was a missing piece…its the hole that forever will make-up our family dynamic. Our family mix of a 2 ½ year old girl and our 1 year old boy will never be. Instead, we have a perfect angel in heaven that sent us down our perfect son here on earth. The scenario isn’t ideal, but it’s our reality and we are grateful.

I read this recently from a fellow bereaved parent's blog. CLC wrote:

"I don't wish this on anyone, but I wish people could watch me in that room holding my dead baby girl, so maybe they would really get it. Maybe then, she would be recognized as real, and my loss would be considered as great as losing an older child. I want them to see how pretty she was, how warm her body was, how everything was so perfect, yet so insanely, grossly wrong at the same time. I want them to see my husband and I screaming and crying as the doctor told us that her heart was no longer beating."

Sometimes I feel like this too.

I just recently found out through reconnecting with an old H.S. acquaintance on FB that her son was born to an undiagnosed CHD. Actually the CHD was more severe than Amellie's - probably a good thing for him, because he started showing signs of distress straight after birth and he had open heart surgery at 1 week old. The surgery was a success and he was home by the time he was 2 weeks old. Currently, he's doing great, eating well and thriving. God bless miracles!

Sometimes I think people try to justify Amelie's death by thinking - "she would have died during surgery" or "she would have had a lifetime of health ailments".

Well, I never believed that.

What I know is that if she had her heart defect caught on time she would have had a 99% success rate at correcting it and would have grown up to be a strong girl, as was initially intended. The frustration of knowing this and living in the complete opposite, really...really sucks. I have no other words, apart from tears.

Definition: em•pa•thy (ěm'pə-thē) n.
1. Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

So not many people understand it…EMPATHY. I don’t think less of a person that doesn’t quite have the empathetic capacity to understand what we went through. I honestly believe that you need to go through it in order to understand, but there are circumstances in which people have shared our grief – even for a brief moment and their feelings were genuine.

Our therapist being one of them.

I recall our first meeting with Dr. C – we were zombies, to put it mildly. We walked through life in this fuzz that I call shock. Dr. C asked if we can explain what happened to Amelie – so he knows our history, learns our thought process about the situation. After much talking – not much of what I can remember – apart from one thing P.aul said that will reside with me forever. P.aul said with much sorrow, “I feel like I am less of a man because I couldn’t protect my daughter from dying. What kind of man would let his child die?” I looked up and the therapist was in utter tears. I then realized – he felt sad that P.aul bared this heavy weight on himself. Dr. C felt sorry for P.aul – genuinely sorry.

The days after the loss of Amelie – there were tons of friends and family that flocked to our side. We are so appreciative of that. We are so grateful to have people like that in our lives that care so much and would drop everything to be there for us. But like any human being – people move on with their lives and some of our closest friends and family didn’t quite have the empathy to deal with our extremely sensitive state. We were so fragile those early days – analyzing, scrutinizing, over hypothesizing and persecuting anything and everything anyone said. We were protecting her – protecting her innocence. And we were angry – oh boy, were we.

But I don’t apologize for that. It is what it is…it was our pain. Our erratic feelings eventually subsided and we forgave all who have might have used poor judgment during our sensitive times. We knew that no family/friend who was there for us by our side, would ever want to hurt us deliberately. We realize that no empathy in the world can have you understand what we went through. And honestly, I would never wish that you understood what we went through. It’s horrible.

As I’ve written in prior posts before, I am grateful for everyone in our lives. You helped our broken hearts be functional again. You consoled us and maintained communication with us when we didn’t want to speak to anyone. To all our friends and family – we love you – more than words can express.

Dear Amelie,

Two years ago today my heart was broken. I still don't know who to blame. Was I a bad parent? Did the doctor miss an obvious sign? Is god just cruel? A lot has happened in two years. But you must know that my heart aches for you EVERY DAY!

You blessed us with Oliver, I know that... He is so beautiful and I know he would have been in awe of you, the way I am still in awe of you. I just wish so badly you could be with us, sharing the laughter and the tears. I talk to him about you all the time. I tell him he has the most beautiful and loving sister, and that he's so lucky to have you looking over him. Please look after him... Guide him through life. Help him be good and loving.

In these two years the only thing I've realized is that I'll never understand why you were taken from us. I'll never get over the pain. And I feel awful for the people who are yet to experience what we went through.

Tonight I'll go to bed, and the last thought I will have is wishing you were still here. And tomorrow I'll wake up to the nightmare that nobody will grant me that one simple wish.

Good-night my princess,
Dad
xoxo

With one last push…you came into this world on January 29, 2007 at 4:04pm.

Your birth was spectacular and you were more beautiful than I imagined. Your eyes just starred at us for hours – like you’ve been here before. I knew you’d be wise, wiser than me. I knew you’d be graceful which would have taught me to be more delicate. I knew you’d be my best friend, a person I was waiting for all my life.

Your birth was my rebirth into a better person. I wish you were here for me to wrap my arms around you and tell you Happy Birthday. Instead I’ll let the angels do that for me. I hope they sing to you in the high heavens and celebrate what a lovely person you were and what a beautiful addition to heaven you are.

Happy Birthday, Amelie.

Love, Mamma, Dad & Oliver

My husband sent me this link not too long ago that recorded the powerful words from parents who have lost a child (this was in lieu of the recent loss of John Travolta's son, Jett). The parents spoke of their their struggles with religion, the hardship of living life without their kids and the pain of moving forward. Click here to listen.

I have been thinking of posts to write but just cannot put emotions into words yet. The winter season is our 'hurricane season', the special holidays, Amelie's birthday and eventual, angel-day. Boy do I wish I didn't circle around days/dates. Goodness knows I miss Amelie everyday. But I do think of those days. I think of the days leading to her birthday and what a wonderful pregnancy I had with her. I remember being so curious of who I was carrying and getting anxious to meet him/her. Then there's her birth - the greatest moment of our lives followed by 15 days later, when our world collapsed and part of Paul and I died along with her.

Our experience is different from those parents on the recording, but our pain is all too similar. I want to celebrate Amelie's birth but its just not possible for us. On Jan. 29, 2009, Amelie would have turned 2. I just wish I shared experiences with people who's lives didn't end with tragedy. I wish I got to experience Amelie's 2nd birthday.

He finally arrived at 8:27am on July 23rd, 2008. Oliver Joseph weighed in at 7 pounds, 10 ounces and we're delighted to have him enter our lives.

It was a very emotional birth, followed by a nerve-wracking day of examinations by cardiologists. After several hours of watching them "um" and "ah" over a grainy sonogram of the heart, I was finallly told that everything looks normal (with the usual doctor caveats).

Amelie, thank-you for sending your parents this precious gift. I realize that you won't share in his and our lives, but I want you to know that not a day goes by without me wishing you were still here with us, making up our perfect family. I will tell Oliver how special you are, and I know he will love his big sister dearly, even though he never got to meet you on this earth.

All my love, Dad.

The days are getting closer to our son's imminent birth day. Some days part of me feels confident to say - yes, maybe just maybe we'll get a healthy living child after all this. But of course there's the other days that are not so positive which I've blogged about before.

Today is a positive day...sort of.

The doctor told me that I am a bit more than 1cm dialated and 50% effaced.

I am dealing with spurts of deja vu. I cannot believe I'm here again. I cannot believe I'm due to birth a baby...again. I cannot believe that this baby will not be Amelie. What emotions will I face if things go smoothly?...or badly?? I don't know. I would pray to God - but I don't trust him. So I pray to the only person I can pray to...

Amelie,

Please watch over me, your dad and your baby brother. We wish you were here with us celebrating this moment in time. You are in our hearts forever and loved by us for eternity.

Love, your mommy. Amen.

I'm totally stealing this blog post off a fellow angel-mother. Thank you C. for posting this. It really got me thinking...is this what sums up our lives now?

When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end... Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal.

- Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989

Jonathan finished the London Marathon. Here are is stats:

Name DOBEK, JONATHAN (GBR)
Runner No.: 46518
Age group Male 30

TIMES
- 5 km 0:27:56
- 10 km 0:56:39
- 15 km 1:25:42
- 20 km 1:54:15
- half 2:00:35
- 25 km 2:23:32
- 30 km 2:53:32
- 35 km 3:25:23
- 40 km 3:59:25
- finish 4:13:33

TOTAL
- Position (overall) 14942
- Position (gender) 12151
- Position (age group) 2127

If you're not impressed check The London Marathon Route.

An extra special thank you to all our friends and family who supported Jonathan and his cause to raise money for the British Heart Foundation. Due to your generosity - Jonathan's fundraiser managed to raise £ 2,258.00 (with the way the US currency is now - that's about $4500!!). Thank you for supporting a great cause that might give a child like Amelie, a chance to survive. I'm sure she's sending everyone big angel-hugs.

With our love, The Dobek's xx

Paul's brother Jonathan is running the London Marathon on April 13th, 2008. We know he’s trained really hard for this.

We’ll be thinking of you, Jonathan. We know having Amelie there with you will make for a less lonely run. She would have been touched at your thoughtfulness and also so proud of her uncle.

Good luck. Love, us.